You left. Did you even care to look behind you? Because I have no choice but to look in front of me, unfortunately. In front of me I see you struggling to make a living. I see chaos unfolding and your heart breaking. When I look into your heart, there is something missing. Like that piece has been lost for a couple of months now… I know where it is. Look behind you and see what you have left behind.
Truth is… I am dying inside, all hope is loss, and my faith is shaken. Honestly, doubting God isn’t what I would consider my major problem. Yes, I know the “Sunday school answer” that it should be. I know I am a hypocrite. I know just about all of me is negative at this moment in time. High school is the best years of my life? My butt. My life isn’t “what you make it” like Hannah Montana promises. I could choose to be happy and wildly optimistic… but why? I am not going to set myself up for failure and more pain. I can’t take much more of this crap. I think that caring is my problem. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be let down. I wouldn’t be upset that my parents abandoned me at 15. I wouldn’t occasionally cry myself to sleep because my baby brother will not remember the person who changed his diaper, wiped his tear, and rocked him to bed the night’s mom and dad “went” out. I wouldn’t care that God doesn’t… This is MY reality. The complications I face every day. On top of that, I try to be as close as perfect as far as what people can see. An honor roll student, star softball player, perfect big sister, unbreakable, a best friend, and happy. Ohhhhhhh boyyyy. Do I have them fooled…. It doesn’t come as easy as it they think.
I do love you. Very very much. To the point where I am scared of losing you. Where I base my life on what you think. Where if you leave, I will wither away like dust. And that you are the only persons acceptance I need. I want you to be happy… But not with out me… I love you so much because you are my hero. You save my life each and every day. I love you so much because you love me. And you haven’t left me in the last four or five years and show no sign of leaving. My parents showed sign of uncertainty before I was even concieved. You have already beat them. I love you because you are the only person I trust and to talk too. You make me smile when i want to cry you make me smile when i am crying. You make me not afraid of depression because I know you will walk me through it. I love you because you love me for who I am. And I am not a great person. But you. Still. Love. Me. And I could never express my thanks to you. Not even in a lifetime. Not with money. Not with fulfilling wishes. But hoping that I can love you just as much as you love me. You are the most greatest friend that I could ever have dreamed about an I LOVE YOU. (not homosexually though. Icky.)
No body will ever understand why I have the
trust issues I do. Well, my parents, for example. Mine left me at 15. My sister at 13. And my baby brother at 18 months. So I build about fifteen years of trust and love for them, and then poof. They are gone. More important stuff I guess. So now I am supposed to believe that when people say “I am “always” there.” it is true? No. Always has its exceptions. So does love, I suppose.
My current state of living is the nicest people I could possibly ask for. My siblings and I are all seperated. My brother is hours away with a stranger. And me and my sis are a couple miles down the road. But her “family” plans on moving soon.
I am now one of the kids with “guardians” instead of parents. I am also left with a
broken heart, a fake smile, and a new life. Keeping my head up is tough, but I guess this could be a new start. However, trusting another human being will not be happening anytime soon in my life.
Mommy and daddy…. I still love you.. though you don’t feel the same…
through good times and bad
my friend, my buddy,
through happy and sad,
beside me you stand,
beside me you walk,
you’re there to listen,
you’re there to talk,
with happiness, with smiles,
with pain and tears,
I know you’ll be there,
throughout the years!